| Leading
hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris
can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. |
2425 |
8.373 |
| Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. |
2854 |
8.373 |
| Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. |
4957 |
8.365 |
| Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. |
1926 |
8.356 |
| Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. |
1713 |
8.353 |
| Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. |
2188 |
8.341 |
| Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. |
1293 |
8.336 |
| Chuck Norris can speak braille. |
1689 |
8.318 |
| Once,
while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm
escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus
Prime. |
2005 |
8.315 |
| On
a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one
of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves
all his problems with Violence. |
471 |
8.268 |
| Chuck
Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the
1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
card from the game Uno. |
1441 |
8.195 |
| If
you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance." |
814 |
8.186 |
| Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". |
1470 |
8.178 |
| Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. |
668 |
8.159 |
| Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. |
328 |
8.067 |
| Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. |
979 |
7.995 |
| Chuck
Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was
replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and
save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. |
2630 |
7.986 |
| Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. |
667 |
7.984 |
| When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. |
940 |
7.973 |
| Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. |
1027 |
7.962 |
| Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. |
1018 |
7.923 |
| Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. |
1079 |
7.886 |
| Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. |
1040 |
7.849 |
| If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef. |
998 |
7.846 |
| Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. |
970 |
7.813 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. |
810 |
7.721 |
| Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris |
787 |
7.680 |
| Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result. |
1026 |
7.662 |
| When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. |
694 |
7.625 |
| Chuck
Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month. |
1030 |
7.621 |
| Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone. |
818 |
7.600 |
| If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister. |
720 |
7.597 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel. |
847 |
7.569 |
| Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. |
835 |
7.566 |
| Chuck
Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to
spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing
around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. |
830 |
7.560 |
| Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never fucks up. |
805 |
7.512 |
| The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. |
589 |
7.503 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body. |
908 |
7.493 |
| Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face. |
832 |
7.478 |
| Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them. |
790 |
7.449 |
| Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash. |
901 |
7.445 |
| Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano |
60 |
7.433 |
| Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. |
724 |
7.431 |
| Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. |
366 |
7.388 |
| Chuck
Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder
County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris
does not "attempt" murder. |
419 |
7.387 |
| Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins. |
674 |
7.371 |
| Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain. |
769 |
7.360 |
| Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone. |
559 |
7.354 |
| Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants. |
739 |
7.337 |
| The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris. |
678 |
7.320 |
| Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris |
728 |
7.315 |
| Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". |
984 |
7.308 |
| Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism. |
1056 |
7.303 |
| M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this. |
683 |
7.297 |
| Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul. |
817 |
7.277 |
| Chuck Norris can drown a fish. |
626 |
7.273 |
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.
|
935 |
7.260 |
| When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off. |
652 |
7.252 |
| It
is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a
wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box. |
615 |
7.247 |
| Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost. |
666 |
7.237 |
| When
Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even
glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris. |
704 |
7.212 |
| Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. |
773 |
7.182 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way. |
466 |
7.176 |
| The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake. |
709 |
7.175 |
| Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris. |
808 |
7.173 |
| Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life. |
197 |
7.168 |
| A
rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the
park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly
killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find
bigger, better nuts than that. |
507 |
7.166 |
| Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't even in a bowling alley. |
201 |
7.159 |
| A
Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
there. |
666 |
7.141 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." |
825 |
7.139 |
| Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further. |
433 |
7.134 |
| When
Chuck Norris goes cow-tipping, he lifts a cow up and drop kicks it into
the neighboring farm. All the other cows simply tip themselves over to
keep from having to walk back in the dark. |
55 |
7.127 |
| The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. |
756 |
7.126 |
| When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please." |
838 |
7.126 |
| Chuck
Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then
he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is. |
773 |
7.123 |
| The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. |
687 |
7.096 |
| Chuck
Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings.
He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a
piece of jewelery." |
713 |
7.073 |
| The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. |
652 |
7.066 |
| Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet. |
593 |
7.064 |
| Pinatas
were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people
of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck
Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims. |
690 |
7.057 |
| If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. |
654 |
7.055 |
| Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil. |
703 |
7.051 |
| Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye. |
400 |
7.048 |
| Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die. |
724 |
7.039 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you." |
654 |
7.032 |
| Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. |
716 |
7.028 |
| The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is. |
641 |
7.025 |
| Chuck
Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape.
Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis. |
701 |
7.020 |
| The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats. |
778 |
7.015 |
| Before
Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood
connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out
what happened to Barry. |
741 |
7.007 |
| The
Pentagon's proposal to develop a bomb which would turn enemy soldiers
gay has been called "ridiculous" and "absurd." However, most critics
agree that a bomb to turn friendly soldiers into Chuck Norris would be
"really fucking awesome." |
29 |
7.000 |
| Upon
hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to
cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of
Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By
the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a
new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows
for sure. |
719 |
6.989 |
| Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing. |
697 |
6.987 |
| Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him. |
647 |
6.981 |
| Someone
once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best
way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst
mistake anyone has ever made. |
701 |
6.971 |
| Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Chuck Norris says. |
640 |
6.967 |
| Bullets dodge Chuck Norris. |
745 |
6.953 |
| We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic. |
748 |
6.926 |
| The
only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in
"Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give
Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide. |
660 |
6.923 |
| The
grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been
there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. |
637 |
6.917 |
