| Fact |
Votes |
Rating |
| Fact |
Votes |
Rating |
| The Mathematical Proof for Mr. T's Infinite Pity: For life to exist there must be a symmetric equation regarding the factors of pity(p) and fools(f) -> p-f=0. If any one factor rose to a level higher than the other, life as we know it would cease to exist. The fool factor can be decisively measured by dividing jibba-jabba(j) by tolerance for said jibba-jabba(t) -> f=j/t. With these two equations we can deduce: p-f=0; f=j/t ->p-(j/t) = 0 -> p = j/t. This equation leads to quite an interesting result. As we can see, if we hold jibba-jabba constant, as tolerance for said jibba-jabba approaches 0, pity approaches infinity. Now we all well know that Mr. T “ain’t got no time for the jibba-jabba.” In fact, extensive observational studies have been conducted and even with machines able to calculate with precision to the 23rd decimal place, Mr. T’s tolerance for jibba-jabba has been conclusively found to be 0, and therefore Mr. T’s pity is the literal embodiment of the concept of infinity. |
569 |
8.580 |
| Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. |
2631 |
8.571 |
| Mr. T and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants. |
212 |
8.561 |
| If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives." |
1167 |
8.554 |
| Mr. T scared the black out of Michael Jackson. |
212 |
8.519 |
| Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands. |
3014 |
8.515 |
Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their hall of stone,
Nine for the Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne,
Twenty rings to make Mr. T look cool,
Upon them inscribed, "I pity the fool." |
434 |
8.498 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square. |
662 |
8.486 |
| Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete. |
3866 |
8.480 |
| Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants. |
3193 |
8.464 |
| Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. |
2629 |
8.431 |
| Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime. |
2916 |
8.428 |
| Chuck Norris can speak braille. |
2244 |
8.427 |
| If you rearrange the letters in Mr. T, he'll fucking break you. |
245 |
8.404 |
| Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris. |
5576 |
8.402 |
| Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the fuck down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts. |
314 |
8.395 |
| Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. |
1613 |
8.394 |
| The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from Vin Diesel and forgot to pay him back. |
284 |
8.384 |
| Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang. |
174 |
8.374 |
| Mr. T destroyed the periodic table, saying Mr. T. only recognizes the element of surprise. |
232 |
8.353 |
| Unbeknownst to the modern world, the Triforce actually exists. Unlike The Legend of Zelda, however, the pieces of the Triforce are named the Triforce of Vin Diesel, the Triforce of Mr. T, and the Triforce of Chuck Norris, all held by Vin Diesel, Mr. T, and Chuck Norris, respectively. If all the pieces of the Triforce come together, there will come a power the universe has never seen. The reason the Triforce hasn't been united today lies in three simple facts: Chuck Norris thinks mohawks are gay, Mr. T thinks beards are gay, and that Vin Diesel thinks hair in general is gay. |
192 |
8.339 |
| Fire escapes were invented to protect fire from Chuck Norris. |
40 |
8.325 |
| Mr. T was originally cast to play Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes. Unfortunately every time he said, "whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" Willis shit himself. |
306 |
8.320 |
| Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". |
1865 |
8.318 |
| When Vin Diesel gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning. |
112 |
8.304 |
| Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink. |
383 |
8.290 |
| Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves. |
630 |
8.278 |
| Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain. |
189 |
8.275 |
| Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin. |
1133 |
8.273 |
| Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. |
1918 |
8.250 |
| The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles. |
184 |
8.250 |
| There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk. |
144 |
8.236 |
| Mr. T beat a wall at tennis. A fucking WALL. |
151 |
8.225 |
| When Vin Diesel deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell. |
234 |
8.218 |
| The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face. |
347 |
8.216 |
| Asteroids do not hit the Earth because Mr. T swings a redwood tree to bat them back into outer space. The one that killed the dinosaurs was high and to the outside, and Mr. T wisely checked his swing. |
108 |
8.213 |
| The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox. |
86 |
8.209 |
| When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. |
1233 |
8.195 |
| If you laid out all of Mr. T's gold chains end to end, he would kick your sorry ass. |
110 |
8.173 |
| In August 2005 Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris went shark fishing 845 miles east of Bermuda and 1,139 miles west of the Azores Islands. After finishing off 10 kegs of Milwaukees Best and 2 barbequed tiger sharks Mr.T asked Vin Diesel to pull his finger. At the exact moment that Vin Diesel pulled Mr. T's finger Chuck Norris round house kicked Mr. T in the stomach "for fun". The resulting flatulence refered to by most as "Hurricane Katrina" has cost over $1.13 billion so far and almost destroyed New Orleans. To help aliviate his conscious Chuck will provide free "Roundhouse Kick" seminars to the hurricane victims. As for Mr. T he will simply pity the fools. |
238 |
8.172 |
| Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris." |
65 |
8.169 |
| Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died. |
1327 |
8.167 |
| Mr. T is so scary that his hair is actually afraid to grow. The only reason he has a mohawk is because it's in his blind spot. |
154 |
8.156 |
| On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence. |
843 |
8.152 |
| There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team. |
470 |
8.151 |
| Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle. |
951 |
8.143 |
| Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. |
369 |
8.133 |
| On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. |
225 |
8.116 |
| Vin Diesel wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team. |
221 |
8.113 |
| Show Mr. T a ship of fools, and he will show you a torpedo full of pity. |
115 |
8.113 |
| Rocky III was a groundbreaking film. It took 135 special effects artists 13 months to make it seem like Rocky won the second fight to Mr. T. |
92 |
8.109 |
| The only reason Mr. T is not Dr. T is because his thesis, entitled "Fools and Those Who Pity Them", only had a photo of Mr. T with his arms crossed. After the faculty questioned this, they were found dead with their testicles in their eye sockets, even the women. His thesis is still yet to be marked. |
88 |
8.102 |
| Mr. T does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction |
73 |
8.096 |
| Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode. |
84 |
8.071 |
| When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. |
267 |
8.067 |
| Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him. |
1294 |
8.066 |
| If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance." |
1198 |
8.063 |
| Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch. |
240 |
8.042 |
| In the movie 'Titanic', Chuck Norris has a brief cameo as 'The Iceberg'. |
30 |
8.033 |
| Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors. |
1326 |
8.029 |
| In his will, Chuck Norris has specified that if he dies, he will bury himself. |
73 |
8.027 |
| If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef. |
1345 |
8.005 |
| Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse. |
1300 |
7.998 |
| Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds. |
2920 |
7.997 |
| Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon |
188 |
7.995 |
| Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time. |
196 |
7.990 |
| They're making a sequel to 300 starring Chuck Norris. Its called 1 |
81 |
7.988 |
| Mr. T and the rest of the "A-Team" were disqualified and kicked off the show "Junk Yard Wars" for violating the saftey rules and building a fully functional M1A1 Abram Main battle tank, when all they needed to build was a steam-powered catapult. |
78 |
7.987 |
| Mr. T invented the X-Ray, the G-String, the R-Rating and Jay-Z after a late-night drunken bender caused him to momentarily forget which letter he was. |
218 |
7.986 |
| Vin Diesel sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off. |
180 |
7.978 |
| Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you." |
86 |
7.965 |
| Whenever Vin Diesel plays Chutes and Ladders, he treats the chutes as ladders, because he's not some pussy who can't climb up a plastic slide. |
224 |
7.964 |
| Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. |
1200 |
7.964 |
| Vin Diesel has the heart of a child. He keeps it in a small box. |
190 |
7.942 |
| Mr. T has beat the shit out of so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative. |
89 |
7.910 |
| When Mr. T pours his alphabets cereal into a bowl, only T's come out. |
112 |
7.902 |
| Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be pitied by Mr. T, than you are to have feet. |
257 |
7.887 |
| Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas. |
1295 |
7.880 |
| Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors. |
80 |
7.875 |
| Chuck likes his meat so rare that he only eats unicorns. |
37 |
7.865 |
| Mr. T is one part gold, two parts muscle, one part anger, and no parts jibba jabba. |
123 |
7.837 |
| Mr. T can eat a rubix cube and crap it out solved. |
123 |
7.837 |
| Vin Diesel's orgasm leaves an exit wound. |
195 |
7.831 |
| When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal. |
118 |
7.822 |
| World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi. |
99 |
7.818 |
| Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won. |
160 |
7.813 |
| Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before Vin Diesel made it his bitch. |
214 |
7.804 |
| Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience. |
1017 |
7.802 |
| In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. |
224 |
7.795 |
| Vin Diesel is the only one who can "try this at home." |
226 |
7.792 |
| Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. |
1035 |
7.789 |
| Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. |
1088 |
7.788 |
| Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. |
274 |
7.785 |
| Once, Mr. T joined forces with Chuck Norris to fight crime. All criminals in the known universe were instantly vaporized by the sheer awsomeness of their Mohawk/Mullet combination. Afterwards, Mr. T created Vin Diesel using a welder and a 55 gallon drum, but left him bald so that he could not challenge their hairdo supremecy. |
113 |
7.770 |
| Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it. |
112 |
7.768 |
| Mr. T was the original host of "Pimp My Ride". He was fired halfway through the first season after installing machine gun turrets and gold chain steering wheels on every vehicle. |
138 |
7.761 |
| Mr. T once stated that he "doesn't wail on sissy boys." This led to the pink polo shirts with popped collars craze. Little do those pitiful fools know that Mr. T was just making it easier to find sissy boys to wail on. |
75 |
7.760 |
| Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result. |
1490 |
7.758 |
| Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris |
981 |
7.755 |
| Mr. T is not actually black, but his thousands of gold chains create a gravity well so strong not even light can escape. |
114 |
7.746 |
Only facts with 25 or more votes are counted.
